Waiting for You: A Story of Hope, Loss, and Becoming a Mother

There is a well-known and proven saying that expresses exactly what I aim to convey in this book: “Many roads lead to Rome.” And the same applies to the desire to have children.
There are many ways to become a parent – we just have to find the one that suits us best.

In this guide, I will describe various treatment methods. The truth is: one approach may work wonders for one person and be completely ineffective for another.
Just because a particular method didn’t work for me doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. The point is, you often need to try things out before you can truly say whether or not they’re right for you.

So, what do you think? How many pages does a book need to help someone find their own path to happiness – the happiness of holding a child in your arms?
Ideally, none at all!
But what if happiness doesn’t come right away?
Does it take hundreds of pages – or just a bit of luck?
In my case, it took lucky coincidences, and a lot of perseverance.

But there is one thing you must always keep in mind – and in my opinion, it’s the most important principle when trying to have a baby: always think positively!

I’m now one of the lucky ones who, after a long, long journey – in my case, it lasted eight years and one day – can finally call a child my own.

If you’ve decided to read this book, there’s probably one main reason: you want nothing more than to have a child.

Maybe you’ve already faced challenges and disappointments. Don’t be discouraged! Because you can do it, too. As I said, there are so many possibilities – so many! Don’t give up, even if you feel hopeless at times or receive disheartening news.

There is always a plan B. And it’s worth pursuing!

That’s what I want to tell you about now.

When I met my husband, I was already 33 years old. So, you could say there shouldn’t really have been any issues with fertility.Sure, I was no longer in my so-called “prime,” and I kept hearing phrases like “your biological clock is ticking” – which, of course, doesn’t help.
Still, as I said, I wasn’t that old yet.
I wanted a child more than anything, and I made that clear from the start. It was practically the first thing I told my then-boyfriend and now-husband: “I want to have a child!”

I met my husband and immediately knew I loved him.
It was only later that I fell in love – which was interesting, because I’d never experienced that before.
We met up again two days later. On that first real date, I made it very clear: I definitely wanted to have a child, and if that didn’t fit into his life plans, he was free to walk away.
Fortunately, he didn’t.

I am someone who values honesty deeply, so I believe in laying all my cards on the table. I didn’t want to end up saying something like, “Oops, I’m pregnant – even though I was on the pill …”

So we agreed that having a child would be part of our future, even if we hadn’t set a specific timeline. We wanted to enjoy some time together first – to see if we were truly compatible.
Time passed – months, seasons – and we stayed together. My boyfriend began to make long-term plans with me: working abroad, moving in together, building a life. I was touched, and it strengthened my trust in him. Then, one day, he brought up the topic of having a child – completely on his own. It was about a year later. When he said, “Let’s try it,” I didn’t understand what he meant at first. So I asked, “Try what?” “A baby. I think we should try to have a baby,” he replied, smiling.

My hands started shaking as it dawned on me what he was really saying. We raised our glasses and toasted.

The mood couldn’t have been better for such a delicate topic: we were on vacation, sitting at a romantic restaurant right by the sea. Later, I often wondered whether it was the wine or the setting – but in the end, it didn’t matter. He meant it. As always, he stood by his word.
When I asked him whether it had been a spontaneous decision, he said no.
He told me he had planned everything and had chosen that very restaurant with the intention of bringing up the topic.
Isn’t he amazing, this man?

I should add: by then, we were already living together – which was very unlike him, considering his past relationships. So we got started! A few months passed – and nothing happened. But I wasn’t worried yet.

So we got startetd!
A few months went by and nothing happened, but I still thought nothing of it.

Then one evening, something changed. We were hosting his cousin and their family. After the kids had gone to bed, the adults sat around the table, chatting.
The men stepped out onto the balcony for a smoke, and we women stayed in the kitchen.
As luck would have it, we started talking about children.
Carola, the cousin’s wife, mentioned that she hadn’t gotten pregnant right away either, and swore by the temperature calendar. I had heard of it before, but only vaguely – never really looked into it. So I asked her to explain it to me in more detail. She did, and I listened carefully.
Right after their visit, I started using the temperature calendar myself.
What is it exactly? If you’re not familiar with it either, let me try to explain it as simply as possible.

The temperature calendar – also known as a fertility or ovulation calendar – is a method for learning about your own cycle and the processes in your body. It’s especially helpful if you’ve decided to try for a baby, though it can also be a useful tool in everyday life.

By using it, you can determine when you ovulate and which days are the most fertile (see Appendix 1 at the end of the book for an illustration).

Here’s what you do: You take your body temperature every day, chart it in a table, and identify your basal body temperature (BBT).
The basal body temperature is the pattern that emerges when you record your temperature daily – from the first day of your period to the last day of the cycle. You mark each day with a dot or cross and connect the points to form a curve.

Under normal circumstances, your temperature varies only slightly – about 0.1 °C to 0.2 °C. However, just after ovulation (and especially in early pregnancy), it rises by about 0.4 °C to 0.5 °C. If pregnancy occurs, the temperature remains elevated. If not, it drops again shortly after ovulation.

In addition to tracking your temperature, you can also check the position and texture of your cervix. What is the cervix?

The cervix is the lower part of the uterus – the opening you can feel if you insert a finger into the vaginal canal (like when inserting a tampon).
It allows menstrual blood to exit and helps block harmful bacteria from entering. One of its most crucial roles is to help transport sperm to its destination.

The cervix changes position and texture throughout your cycle:

After menstruation and after ovulation: the cervix is low and closed.
Mid-cycle: it begins to rise and partially opens.
At ovulation: it reaches its highest point and is fully open – ideal conditions for sperm to travel.

When used regularly and correctly, this calendar method can significantly increase your chances of getting pregnant. Before modern tools were available, women relied on these simple methods – and they still work!
Important to note: ovulation usually occurs one day before the temperature rises.
That means your most fertile window is one to two days before ovulation.
That’s why it’s essential to track your cycle over several months to recognize patterns.

My husband and I also tried this method. I carefully tracked my temperature, charted the dots …

But again – nothing happened. “More wasted time,” I thought.

So next, I bought ClearBlue. These are ovulation tests that analyze your urine daily to identify your most fertile days (the days right before and on the day of ovulation).

Product explanation: ClearBlue (and other similar brands) detect a rise in luteinizing hormone (LH)² in your urine.
LH levels spike about 24 to 36 hours before ovulation, just before your ovary releases an egg.
These are your peak fertility days – the ones with the highest chance of pregnancy.

But what exactly is ovulation, and why does it matter?
Ovulation is when the ovary releases a mature egg. The egg travels through the fallopian tube toward the uterus. If it encounters sperm during this journey, pregnancy can occur. So ovulation is the optimal time to turn the hope of parenthood into reality (see Appendix 2).

I kept up my daily testing with optimism, eagerly awaiting the next fertile day, hoping that something would finally happen.

Needless to say, when you’re in love, sex tends to happen more spontaneously than in couples who’ve been together for many years. Still, these constant checks and schedules began to wear on me – and not just me. I even asked my husband to avoid intercourse two to three days before the “important” days, thinking sperm would be more active after a short break. (Looking back, I think that theory is kind of nonsense.)

Still, we continued and tried to follow every possible guideline. And for that, I’m incredibly grateful to my husband.

So we hoped. And waited. But month after month, nothing happened. Right on schedule, my period arrived – every single time.

At least I could rely on that: that the period came on time and that I didn’t have to get my hopes up for no reason. Sometimes I didn’t even buy tampons when I ran out, in order to influence my body and my psyche – but to no avail. Crazy, isn’t it?
Once or twice, it happened that my period came later, and we hoped that fate would be kind to us too. But then we were disappointed again: unfortunately, not that time.

The fact is that some bodies react to changes in climate, such as vacations and even illnesses, and thus influence the menstrual cycle. This can cause your period to be delayed or even stop completely for a month.
But: nothing. Nothing happened – no matter how much we hoped or tried everything.

So we decided to take the next step. After all, we had to check whether any of us had a physical impairment.

I didn’t realize beforehand how many components are connected and what can determine whether you get pregnant or not. So we had to seek advice.
And what is usually the first step? Of course! First of all, the woman has to have everything checked – because a man would never even consider that it could be down to him.

I went to my gynecologist with sagging shoulders and found that she had been replaced by a young male gynecologist.

What a disappointment! I had been used to my gynecologist for ages, I had confidence in her, and I felt comfortable with her. This man, who was probably just my age, ridiculed my problem and my disappointment. He would say things like: “At your age, things don’t happen that quickly,” and, “Wait another year and a half, don’t be impatient. If nothing has happened by then, we’ll have to see.”
A year and a half! I was already 34, and I was supposed to wait another ONE AND A HALF YEARS?
I went home and told my boyfriend about this doctor’s consultation. We thought to ourselves: “Well, he’ll know!” Nevertheless, I still had a bad feeling. I was so blind and stupid to trust that something would happen on its own.
I don’t want to berate doctors, because they all have more experience and knowledge than I do, but telling a drowning person to wait a little longer isn’t really helpful.

Nevertheless, we accepted it and thought: “We’ll just keep trying. He’s a professional, after all.”

The next check-up followed six months later. As much as I hate to say it, all I heard at this check-up were stupid remarks that I don’t even want to mention.
So I decided to change gynecologists. Fortunately! I would like to congratulate myself on this in retrospect, because it finally got the ball rolling.
Yes, ladies, sometimes it’s hard to swap the familiar for the new, but sometimes it’s really worth taking a chance.

However, I have to mention in advance that my life situation had fundamentally changed in the meantime: My boyfriend and I were no longer just boyfriend and girlfriend, but had gotten married. We were now husband and wife, and more than a year had passed since we had decided to have a baby.
What a waste of time!

Well, I asked around among my friends and finally made an appointment with another gynecologist. Of course, I didn’t tell my friends about our problem; I just said that I was looking for another gynecologist.

I felt at home again from the very first moment. And not only that! When I told this gynecologist about our wish, I was first thoroughly examined and immediately given a chlamydia test. Why not just like that? You’re probably wondering: why a chlamydia test at all?

Chlamydia is a nasty bacterium that is transmitted through sexual intercourse. Since it unfortunately shows no symptoms – no discharge or other signs such as abdominal pain, itching, or anything similar – it can be carried unnoticed and transmitted to the next partner without any hindrance. If left untreated and unnoticed, it can have serious consequences for us women, but not for men. The man is only the carrier and has nothing to fear. For us women, on the other hand, it’s all or nothing! This is because the fallopian tubes (explanation in Appendix 3) can become blocked, resulting in temporary (and without treatment, permanent) sterility – and the woman cannot become pregnant.

Fortunately, this is not an irreparable process, as I found out later when I flew abroad for special treatment. But more on that later.Lo and behold, I actually had chlamydia.
I was given the necessary supply of antibiotics and very good advice. With the words, “If you want to have children, you can’t wait any longer! You must make an appointment here immediately,” my doctor gave me a telephone number.
Because yes, this doctor finally had a solution for us, didn’t fob me off with terse comments, and didn’t put me off until later.

The solution was someone who would look after both my husband and me – not just me specifically – and would not let any more time pass: it was an IVF clinic.
I had never heard of it before.
I neither knew of such treatments nor of the existence of such clinics.
In 2004, unlike today, these clinics were not yet a common term.
But at that point, I was still confident that something would happen the normal way and hadn’t really looked around or asked about other options.
What’s more, I hadn’t assumed that anyone else in my circle of acquaintances could have such problems.
I was wrong, but that didn’t become apparent until much later.

IVF (Appendix 4) means in vitro fertilization – artificial insemination in a test tube, in other words: assisted reproduction.
If you can’t do it on your own, we’ll help you out in the laboratory.
I read everything I could find about it and immediately had the feeling that something good would finally open up for me – for us.
And I was right – even if only partially.

If you have already had experience with in vitro fertilization but it didn’t help, don’t put the book down just yet,because you will find that there are other options and alternatives.

But first, back to the IVF clinic.
A clinic like this looks after people like me – people who want a child and are no longer in their tender 20s.
Everything I read about it on the internet sounded reasonable.
Yes, I wanted this treatment. A treatment that follows a very strict program, which involves certain restrictions, but sounds promising.

With trembling hands, I called them and asked for a so-called brochure folder.

It took just one day, and we already had the folder open in front of us.
Forms upon forms almost overwhelmed us at first – we had to go into so much detail about our private lives in front of others.
But we were ready. We wanted to take the next step.
However, we didn’t want anyone in our circle of acquaintances to know about it.
Yes, there is somehow a feeling of shame – as if you’ve done something wrong yourself if you don’t get pregnant.

And the worst thing is when friends get pregnant unintentionally – and you, who want a child so badly, don’t succeed.

It’s awful!

I felt really embarrassed to have to say that I needed help. Or even worse: to admit to myself that I couldn’t do it without outside help.
Negative feelings aren’t helpful, and it helps a lot if you have someone you can confide in.
So you undergo the treatment without telling a soul – at least almost no one, because my parents knew about it and gave us the financial and emotional support we sometimes needed.
IVF and the other treatments cost a lot of money, nerves, and stamina.
But you’ve obviously experienced some of this yourself – at least one or two things – otherwise, you wouldn’t have bought this book.
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