Untitled – a Book about God and Creation

Preface


“Just be careful you don’t get carried away with it all”, was my sister’s response to my idea of writing another book. My first book ended in a severe psychosis. So, I burned it, hoping the haunting would stop. But it did not, at least not yet.
I, too, am worried that things might become a bit strange again. That I might relapse. The writing process always comes with this subliminal fear.
However, this fear is deeply embedded in me anyway – whether or not I write a book.
Hopefully, the book will help me to no longer feel quite as alone with this horrible experience. I want other people to listen to what I have to say and read about my psychosis so that my feeling of loneliness may diminish, at least a bit.
Yes: illness will make you lonely.
My hope is that by writing this book I will be able to come to terms with my psychosis.
To write down all the memories one last time, to get them off my chest and to feel less alone with what happened – yes, that’s my goal.

My first book was about one’s own self, about being nobody and being someone (although I refer to myself as a nobody), the injustices in the world – in fact, the failure to understand that one thinks only in terms of national borders and does not see oneself as part of a global community. It also dealt with the superficiality of the life of a good old taxpayer.

Towards the end of the book, I tried to explain the world or how it came into being, and so the subject of God crept in. I began writing my first book as a non-believer, then evolved into a believer who was in touch with God, and ended up as someone who thought they were God.

Now I’ve become someone who jolts at utterances like “Thank God”, “Oh God”, “For God’s sake”, etc., because they always remind me of what’s occurred.
I simply don’t want to have anything more to do with the subject of God and Creation, hence this is my attempt to at least partially bring this topic to a close.

I overlooked some fractions of my first book when I burned, or rather, deleted it.
These are now attached as an appendix.



The Theory of Incidence and Expansion in View of Double to Multiple Meanings and Possibilities


The world was not created by a Big Bang, but through an incidence: a first small nucleus that collapsed without destroying itself in the process – it expanded further and everything came into being.
The term “incidence” is to be understood ambiguously and in relation to its close cousin “incident”: There has always been a consciousness (God), because without meaning and consciousness no incident would be possible at all. Thus, how science and religion are compatible with each other.
As humans, we are, in a sense, one big split personality. Everything is merely a multi-alternate possibility of the first nucleus – from plants to animals to human beings. So you don’t need complicated formulas to understand the world or to explain it; everything can be explained by the expansion of the first small nucleus.
‘Consciousness’ has always existed, ‘meaning’ is existence/life/being.



Reincarnation or Wandering Souls as Described by Jean Paul


Jean Paul assumed that there is a transmigration of souls.
The human body is merely a shell, the soul or the self is the core.
This theory also played a role in my psychosis/my experiences, especially in the early days.



The Illusory World and Good and Evil


In my book, I described our world as a make-believe, illusory world in which existence is not truly possible: each of us should feel guilty as we silently accept the wars and deaths caused by famine each and every day.
Moreover, the rules and norms of a community based on solidarity do not allow one to develop one’s self or to live out one’s self freely – anyone who is not a well-behaved taxpayer or average citizen is marginalized and ostracized.
Good and Evil exist, though Evil rules the world. After all, there are still wars being waged and property is unfairly distributed.
I criticize the many believers, in particular, because they are the ones who ultimately always plead for the grace of charity.
The division into Good and Evil also played a role in my psychosis.



Further Elucidations


In this book, I describe what I experienced as I perceived it in the respective situations; I didn’t think I was crazy – at least not in the sense of an illness.
Mentally, I was, in fact, crazy: I existed in a real parallel world.
“After all, scriptures like the Bible would not even exist without these kinds of parallel world experiences. In today’s time, Jesus would probably also be declared crazy and sick,” I wrote in a letter to a monastery.
I even wrote to the German Chancellor. Naturally, I did not receive a reply.
But I was sure: I’m not ill; I am in contact with God and the Beyond.
I also saw things online, on TV or on shows that others didn’t see.
I will explain these things later.
When it came to interpersonal matters, I also caught things that were not uttered at all in our world, that only I heard; perhaps that I had just imagined too.
It is still difficult for me to convince myself that none of this was real.
It just felt too real, and at the same time it was also the worst thing I’ve ever had to experience.



The Big Bang Theory


It started with the series “The Big Bang Theory”: Everyone was the ego, the self.
“So great to finally get to know you a little better”, they’d say to each other and shake hands.
They’d make fun of string theory. Furthermore, two actors played a game with a long rope: “This far?” “Yes, this far” – “This far” is how far God is from us humans.



Radio station search


The following morning, I opened Instagram – again, everyone was the ego.
There was also a new brutal computer game in which everyone fought everyone else.
Because of this game, I was worried: people didn’t seem to value life anymore, it was all simply the perpetual rebirth of the ego.
So, I rang up a university for physics: “Have you already heard that God has proved His existence?
I would like to show you what I’ve written on the subject.”
It was a Saturday, and he was “the wrong person to talk to anyway.”
And so I decided to go to a local radio station.
“What’s this all about?” “It’s about saving humanity,” I answered.
Of course, they didn’t pay any heed to me, and the boss wasn’t there either, so I drove on to the Ruhr region, but they didn’t find any time for me there either.
Disappointed, I drove back home.



Germany seeks a Global Concept


“Deutschland sucht den Superstar” (German Idol) was on TV in the evening. Here, too, everyone was the I, the me, the ego.
The jury was looking for a global concept or a slogan, basically a motto, though none of the candidates managed to impress them.
Somehow, I felt spoken to, so I thought of a few phrases: “Faith in the good”, “Sharing a task: life”, “Inspiration.”
Nothing really worked, German Idol continued to be strange and unchanged.
It all sort of frightened me, so I asked my (now ex) boyfriend whether I could come over. He said yes.



Karl Lagerfeld


Before I got going, I checked my Instagram once more: It was full of Karl Lagerfeld, as he had just died.
Was he somehow connected to all these strange events?
I did some research and found out that about five months earlier he had contacted the music group Genetikk, who call themselves “young gods.”
He also left behind the slogan “The beat goes on.” That actually seemed to be the case; yes, I was sure that he was behind all of this.
Had he experienced something similar to me right before his death? Maybe he even became a god? Perhaps.